


Another Star

by startrekfanwriter



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-23
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-04 04:51:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/389931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startrekfanwriter/pseuds/startrekfanwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>COMPLETE AU: Extreme Angst and Character Death. Response to kink meme post: Can I get a Sarek/Uhura fic? I don't really care how it's done... I just suddenly want this pairing.</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5610602/1/Another_Star">Over 110 reviews and complete on FF.Net</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"You never really loved her," the human said.

And as Sarek watched, Spock let out a cry of rage. His son's fists began to beat down on the human man as though he were a rag doll.

Beside Sarek, the young woman gasped. "Please, Spock..."

At that moment he suspected.

He added his own voice to hers. "Spock!"

His son released the choke hold. Surrendered his captaincy. Walked towards the turbolift...and as he exited the bridge, his eyes met those of the young woman who had been standing beside Sarek - she was now standing by the lift. How had she gotten over there? Sarek hadn't even seen her move.

The young woman's eyes were wide and moist. And Spock...his son...held her eyes in his own gaze too long, looking at her like a man adrift at sea might look to land.

And then Sarek was certain.

x x x

His son was beautiful in his eyes. He had always been. How could he not be?

His brilliant son - mind more open than a Vulcan's, more powerful than a human's. His tormented son - cursed with Vulcan emotions and only human emotional control.

If Sarek had pushed Spock too hard to be logical, it was only to protect him from the pain his emotions could bring. But on the transporter pad Spock was so beyond control...control was no longer rational, simply because it was impossible.

Sarek had been honest when he told Spock he married Amanda because it was logical. But it was a half truth. Love, when real, is a very logical thing. Like land is logical for a man adrift at sea.

"I married your mother because I loved her." As soon as Sarek said these words, he felt his son come back to him. Through the tenuous telepathic link they shared, remnant of the bond of infancy, Sarek felt Spock's feelings...his son felt...absolved...

There was no time to tell Spock he had never committed any wrong.

Never in Sarek's eyes.

x x x

Just as his son came back to him, Sarek lost him. Spock died with the vessel from the future, in a brilliant burst of flame that saved the Enterprise and her passengers, perhaps the galaxy. A brilliant burning star. Spock had always been so.

In one day, Sarek lost two stars.

x x x

He saw Lieutenant Uhura, the woman from the bridge, at the memorial service, meters ahead, facing away. She stood near the captain and the doctor, not touching them.

Approaching her from behind, Sarek swallowed. Cleared his throat. "Miss."

She turned her head slowly, her motion so graceful it was almost balletic, her eyes wet with unshed tears.

The doctor and the captain both grabbed an elbow on either side. Protecting her. Supporting her.

"I grieve with thee," Sarek said.

Her eyes flowing, she responded in perfect Vulcan,  _"And I with thee."_

x x x

She stared at him through the subspace connection. She looked paler than he remembered. Her cheeks hollowed out.

"There is something you should know..." she said lowering her eyes.

When she was done he found he could not breathe. Could not dare hope.

x x x

She received a medical discharge, came to New Vulcan and moved into his home...there was a housing shortage on the new world. His house was close to the New Vulcan medical center which she needed. Which the new lives she carried inside of her needed.

She was very quiet the first three days. On day four she said suddenly, "We were not irresponsible. We both took precautions. The odds of being struck by lightning on Earth in a given year are 1/750,000...but it happens..."

For a moment Sarek stared at her. He had been busy making sure his home was just the right temperature, seeing that her water rations were adequate for a human woman pregnant with twins, and providing her with proper nutrition - she couldn't synthesize protein like his people. If he thought it would help her mental well-being, he would have found a way to procure her Andorian fire stones.

"I had not thought of it," he said softly. Nor would he care. She gave his son comfort when he was drowning...and she chose to carry his son's children thinking she would endure the experience alone. He wanted to say these things, but his tongue stuck like dry cotton in his mouth.

Attempting to fill the empty air he said, "In your case lightning struck twice, Ms. Uhura."

It was a small joke, something he would say to Amanda to loosen her up, but his sense of humor had always been imperfect. Perhaps it was wrong in this instance?

He swallowed. "And I am glad of it."

Her posture softened. "Under the circumstances, I think it is appropriate for you to call me Nyota."

x x x

Coming home one day he found Nyota with her head bowed over a PADD. Her brow slightly furrowed. He had yet to see her smile. So serious. Like his son. He had no idea if this was her true personality or just the personality of her grief.

Did she know he grieved? He knew humans found his face and motions inscrutable. He poured his grief into taking care of his people, and taking care of her.

It was her fourth month, and Nyota did not show at all - at least not through her clothing. This was to be expected. It was her first pregnancy, and Vulcans had a very slow thirteen month gestation - the twins were only the size a human fetus would be at two and a half months. But still, it made the experience somewhat unreal for Sarek.

It took Amanda three tries...This will not work. Cannot possibly work. If he thought about the odds he felt his stomach constrict...no one's emotional control was perfect on  _New_ Vulcan.

"It says here that Vulcans develop their telepathic skills in the womb through their bond to their mother...but Amanda was human, and Spock was telepathic," Nyota said, not looking up at him.

"I used to connect with him. We took some time each day...on average thirty-seven minutes and sixty-seven seconds," Sarek replied.

Looking up at him, her brow slightly furrowed, Nyota asked, "How?"

Sarek put his hands behind his back. Looked at the floor. "I used to touch her abdomen."

"Will you do that for them?" She put her hand on her stomach.

x x x

The first time was awkward. They sat on the floor and she lifted her shirt until the hem was just below her breasts. She took off the "girdle" the doctors had her wear to keep her womb warmer than her natural core temperature. On her wrists, ankles and throat she wore bands to counteract this warmth.

For the first time Sarek could see the slight bulge of the two new lives inside her. Reaching down, he brought his hands to rest upon them.

Nyota shivered. "It's strange; I have all sort of people prodding me every day, but..."

"Yes." He understood. It was highly unusual.

"Do you feel them?" Nyota asked.

He did. The most basic of awareness. Light. Dark. Temperature.

"They are there," he said as though it was a revelation.

He looked up to her eyes. She was a revelation. How had he not known? Why hadn't Spock told them?

Looking back down to his hands, he said, "I wish Amanda had gotten a chance to meet you."

"She did," Nyota said.

Sarek looked up, startled.

Nyota licked her lips. "Over subspace only..."

Sarek blinked. "She hid it from me." Even across their bond.

Nyota took a deep breath and through his fingertips Sarek registered... _shame_. And it certainly was not from the two beings inside her.

"Spock was an instructor; I was a cadet. It was against regulations. He didn't want you to know. He was afraid..."

Sarek looked down at his hands, his olive skin against her caramel.

An illicit relationship. "Like father, like son," he whispered.

He felt Nyota's confusion through her shame.

"When I married his mother, I went against law and custom."

The shame vanished. Comprehension flickered through her. And perhaps affection.

Was that when things started to change?

x x x

At five months Nyota's doctor appointments were down to once a week, her morning sickness was over, and she began to have more energy. She started to go out of her mind with boredom - her words.

She found a job helping coordinate aid shipments from various Federation members to New Vulcan. She was fluent in the five dominant languages of the galaxy, and more importantly, was well versed in the cultural differences of just about every Federation world.

She seemed happier. She began to talk more. She got braver.

One day not long after taking the job she began to open boxes that had come with her from Earth but had remained sealed.

Sarek heard rustling and then heard something that sounded like choking. Dropping the PADD he was holding, Sarek rushed to her room and found her kneeling on the floor staring at a holo, her body slightly shaking with muffled sobs.

The young woman and man in the holo were almost unrecognizable. Nyota, happy, laughing, smiling - Spock with his lips quirked ever so slightly. At one point Spock put two fingers up behind Nyota's head in a gesture Sarek recognized as teasing. The holo-Nyota smiled and swatted his hand away.

The real Nyota went from shaking to nearly convulsing.

Sarek found himself kneeling on the floor beside her, staring at the strangers in the holo. The Spock there was a man he'd never known. Happy. Confident. A sense of humor. The Nyota there so much like Amanda.

Closing his eyes, he turned from the holo. Opening them, he saw her half bent over with sobs.

"What do you need?" he asked.

She didn't respond.

He did what he would have done for Amanda. Gathering her into his arms he pulled her close. She did not resist.

He let his hand drift down her hair, the texture not the same as Amanda's. But the open expression of grief, everything he could not show...so human...so familiar.

 _"I grieve with thee,"_ he said.

Pushing her face harder against his chest, the moisture of her tears seeping through the fabric of his shirt, she whispered, "I know you do...I know you do..."

Something in his belly uncoiled and was set free. She understood him. Of course. She'd understood his son.

x x x

Nyota lay on the couch, her head on his lap, her growing midriff exposed - his hand there. It was an...unusual position...but comfortable for her. The gravity of New Vulcan was higher than Earth. After being on her feet all day, she needed to lie down to relieve the pressure on her cervix. She would soon have to be confined to bed rest.

The twins were sleeping, but normally around this time they would begin to stir.

"I'm as big as a whale," Nyota said.

He wanted to say she was beautiful. She was. The most beautiful thing on this new world...all that was left of his wife and his son inside of her. He could not bring himself to say it though. Instead he said, "The smallest whale on earth is the Minke whale, and it still outweighs you by at least four tons."

She laughed softly. "That is just the nerdy sort of joke that Spock would make." He heard her swallow. "He never said you had a sense of humor."

"I never displayed my humor to him," Sarek said. "I was modeling proper Vulcan behavior."

She covered the his hand on her stomach with hers. "We won't do that to them."

"No," he agreed. "We won't."


	2. Chapter 2

Ambassador Spock came to visit them. He had been coordinating relief efforts from Federation headquarters, but now had come to live on New Vulcan.

Sarek had met the man who shared Spock's DNA, but was not his son, once before. Nyota had not.

Sarek was illogically concerned that Nyota might want to be with this other Spock. He half feared this other Spock would offer her the opportunity to live with him -- and maybe she'd prefer that. The elder Spock was more human in demeanor than Sarek, or even than Sarek's son had been. This elder Spock's lips curled easily into half smiles and spoke with inflection.

But then this strange man looked upon Nyota -- in her tenth month, tired, frustrated at being confined to bed rest, belly swollen, gait tipsy, and said..."Fascinating." It was as though he was studying a laboratory specimen...and suddenly Sarek was struck with the illogical desire to punch the old man. She was not an insect.

Sarek's outward demeanor did not reveal his rage. "Would you like some tea?" he asked.

As Sarek turned to fetch the pot, Nyota raised an eyebrow at the elder Spock. "I take it we were not a couple in your time line?"

"No Miss Uhura, we were not. I was unmarried, as were you."

Pursing her lips, Nyota let out a low, "Hmmmm..."

Later after Ambassador Spock left Nyota returned to her position on the couch. She patted the space near her head and Sarek joined her. It was not time to bond telepathically with the twins, but he laid his hand on her stomach anyway -- humans were tactile creatures. It was healthy for her to experience physical contact. They sat this way much more often than was strictly necessary.

"He is not our Spock," Nyota said.

"No," Sarek agreed.

"Our Spock is braver," she said.

Sarek did not correct her usage of tense.

Nyota's hand on his thigh curled into a fist. "We were both cowards in Ambassador Spock's time line."

Sarek didn't bother to tell her it was illogical to extrapolate on the lives of two individuals in a completely different space time continuum. He was just happy she hadn't taken a liking to the elder Spock.

They sat in silence for a while. Usually Nyota would talk to him about events in her field, and ask for news of politics in the larger galaxy. Although her body was confined, she roamed the stars online, ever seeking to sate her voracious intellect. Amanda had an insatiable curiosity, that had been gentle nonetheless. Nyota's mind was more like a fire looking for knowledge to consume.

Today she was quiet, though. "Tell me about anything," she said at last.

So he told her the details of rebuilding a world from scratch, trying to slip in dry observations, as he would do for Amanda, to make Nyota laugh. He was successful. Her sense of humor was much the same as Amanda's. Or perhaps, it was just as she said, he told jokes the way Spock would tell them. She'd been conditioned.

x x x

Sarek had heard humans speak effusively of the "miracle of child birth."

From Sarek's vantage childbirth was a flood of blood, sweat, amniotic fluid, excrement, discomfort and chaos.

He heard Nyota tossing and turning in her bed for hours the night the twins made their appearance...completely normal, she was too large at forty-three weeks to get comfortable. He heard her use the lavatory...several times at 04:00 in the morning...then take a sonic shower.

The sonic shower was still humming when he heard Nyota scream his name.

Running into her shower stall he found her naked, sitting in a puddle on the floor.

"They're coming, they're coming, they're coming!" she panted.

"We should take you to the med center --"

"No! They are coming now....arghhhhh..." Rocking forward she shouted, "Help me up! Help me up! Hurts like hell to sit..."

She was so large in her midsection she couldn't pull herself upwards into a squat, the position she'd read was most conducive to pushing.

Kneeling next to her he wrapped his arms just beneath her breasts and hauled her up into squatting position.

Nyota let out another long cry, from his touch he could feel it wasn't so much in pain as effort.

And then she buried her nose against his neck and laughed. "I thought it was just indigestion. Sorry."

"Do not concern yourself," he said reaching to his pocket with his free hand for his comm. Opening it he paged the emergency center. They would come without explanation, and bring all that was needed with them.

Then he put the comm aside and wrapped his arm around Nyota again as she took another long breath and let out a ferocious grunt.

Through his delicate fingers he could feel she wasn't concerned at all about her nakedness. Her whole mind and being was focused on the task she had at hand.

He held her aloft, even after the med team arrived. Between contractions she would bury her head again between his neck and shoulder, the smell of her sweat, skin and hair in his nostrils. The sounds, the noises, and the smells of childbirth were so close to the sounds of the act of conception. It was raw, primal, disgusting and beautiful. And arousing, which he had not expected -- he pushed back the reaction to meditate on later.

Sarek hardly saw the babies when they were delivered. They were whisked away to be examined, probed and put in an incubator. As if through a fog he listened to the doctors in the other room...they knew how to treat humans, and knew how to treat Vulcans, but Vulcan Human hybrids? They were making it up as it went along.

Not allowing his mind to dwell on that disquieting realization Sarek remained on the floor with the Vulcan doctor as Nyota shuddered through the afterbirth. When all was finally done he wrapped a robe around Nyota and carried her to bed, she was too exhausted to stand.

It was only then that they got to see the babies. Two small boys, eyes closed, limbs buckled, skulls elongated by the trip through the birth canal with barely there curly hair, wrinkled skin the color of coffee with too much cream, white vernix flaking off their bodies...and ears...

They were rounded at first glance...but then, as though they had been waiting for his and Nyota's attention the little oval petals unfurled into tiny points.

Nyota began to cry. Incapable of crying, Sarek closed his eyes.

x x x

She wanted them to have his families' last name. Sarek was elated, though all he said was, "Few humans will be able to pronounce it."

She gave them Swahili first names. And so they were S'chn T'gai Ajali -- chance, and Asili -- dawn.

Ajali and Asili's first few months of life were a blur, too little sleep for Nyota, relatives -- hers came from Earth to visit her, checkups, and no fewer than three emergency trips to the med center. Discovering the twins nutritional requirements and optimal environmental conditions were a process of trial and error.

There were no more long leisurely talks on the couch. Sarek contained the tide of despair that would fill him every time her family talked about her relocating to Earth. But Nyota was adamant -- her copper blooded babies would stay on New Vulcan until...until...When? She never answered the queries of her brother, mother, father or sister. Sarek didn't ask, he was too afraid to know.

He hadn't spent as much time as he could have with Spock as an infant. He hadn't even attended the birth, and disappointed Amanda greatly.

He was making it up with Ajali and Asili. The help was needed.

Although perhaps not dramatically as Spock as an infant, the twins were colicky the first four months. When they became upset they were incapable of turning off their emotions. Sarek taught Nyota how to swaddle them, turn them on their sides and jiggle them gently on a knee all while shushing them -- sometimes inserting a thumb or pacifier into their mouths to suck. The five step process was something he learned from Amanda. It never failed to quiet them, but sometimes Sarek, Nyota, or one of her relatives would wind up holding a twin like this for hours.

Sarek also helped with feedings -- Nyota breast fed, but they needed to supplement with Vulcan formula to make sure all nutritional requirements were met. And of course their were the constant diaper changings.

Sarek insisted on going to all of the doctor visits and checkups. He told Nyota that with his knowledge of Spock's infancy he was uniquely qualified to consult with the doctors on their health matters. And certainly that was the logical reason for his attendance...his emotional reasons...

They were all that was left of Amanda and Spock. They were part of Nyota as well -- and she had brought them to him.

x x x

It was dark in the hallway as Sarek made his way to his room. Nyota was walking in the opposite direction after just giving Ajali and Asili their last meal before bed.

Nyota's family had been gone for over a week, but life was still a blur of all the efforts involved in caring for two small five month old infant Human Vulcan hybrids. Nyota and Sarek had hardly talked since before the babies were born.

As he tilted his body to let her pass she stopped, and bowed her head.

"I miss..." she said voice trembling.

"I know..." he came up close to her, as he would to Amanda. Let his hand drift down her back.

"No, I don't think you do. I miss...Spock...and I miss my family...I miss the stars and using my brain..." She raised her head. "But Sarek, I also miss you."

He wasn't sure what she was saying. He was too afraid to leave it to chance. He brought his hand to her temple...and was hit by a wave of her desire and longing. Whether it was for him or a memory of his son he didn't know.

And when his body responded it might have been partially for the memories of Amanda.

He didn't really care as he bent down and brushed his lips against her cool mouth. Catching her lower lip between his teeth he ever so delicately pulled.


	3. Chapter 3

He had never been with a woman he had not bonded with. The urge to bond was a natural impulse, not overwhelming, but something he had to push aside...they weren't ready. Maybe they weren't ready for this either...

He stroked a hand across her temple and felt her  _want_  mingled with  _defiance_...He didn't understand it precisely. But it was made his breathing deeper. Made him want her...to bite her and keep her.

Helping her out of her clothes he nipped gently along her jaw, down her neck and then her collar bone. As she helped him with his she pelted him with kisses. When his back was bare she dug her nails deep into his back and he felt heat rush to his core and the urge to bite her mount. But she wasn't really his...

Confining himself to nips and licks he pushed her back towards the bed.

He had limited experience with human women...only vast experience with one human woman. He wasn't sure what was human in Amanda's response, and what was just...Amanda.

Scissoring Nyota's nipples between his fingers he felt the warm liquid on his skin...and  _arousal_  and  _embarrassment_  in his mind.

Bending his head to lick away the milk he whispered "Shhhhh..." It was such a little thing, the taste was sweet, rich and not unpleasant...and it was not like it had not happened before. He'd been a father before...

But Nyota's hands on his back went slightly limp. This was all new to her...he was new...her body was new and changed from birth. Her hips would never be quite as narrow. Her muscle tone would return, but now her abdomen was surely a little looser than she would want, her thighs heavy with the extra energy stores needed to feed two growing bodies.

Sarek squeezed again, ran his tongue over her wet nipples and whispered in Vulcan, _"You are beautiful."_

She let out a soft cry...so human to vocalize during the act. He felt his ears go warm and renewed rush of blood to his core. The nails returned to thread through the hair at the nape of his neck as he worked his way down her body again.

She might hurt...and she might not even know that. There had been tearing during the delivery. He went slowly, nipping and licking between her thighs first, and then slowly bringing his tongue to her center. She tasted female and human and delicious.

Bucking her hips she teased his ears with her fingers in ways that made him go hot, made his pulse beat so hard he could feel it, a rumble started low in his chest, completely unconsciously.

"Get up here," she whispered.

Rubbing the side of his face against her thigh he grasped one of her hands with his, and slipped a finger from the other inside of her and gently caressed her walls. She gasped. Her body stiffened, and not entirely in pleasure. Through the link of their hands he could feel the sting she experienced along with her arousal. He kept his finger inside her, and caressed the bundle of nerves above her channel with his tongue.

Lifting his head he said softly, "You have scar tissue. It should get better with continued stretching...but you must tell me if you wish me to stop."

"I don't want you to stop," she gasped.

He brought his tongue back down to caress her inner lips. As her moisture increased he slipped in another finger...and as her body adjusted, another.

She climaxed with his head between her thighs, bucking eliciting ahhs and gasps that were different from Amanda's and similar. Her cries made his body go harder at the same time it made his heart ache.

She pulled at his shoulders and he rose along her body. He found her face wet with tears.

Rolling his forehead over hers he said, "We do not have to continue."

Grabbing the back of his neck with one cool hand and bringing the other to stroke his length she whispered, "Sarek I want you. Now."

She brought him just to her entrance. He could feel how wet she still was. Lifting her hips she teased him, just a little. Letting out a hiss he brought his fingers to her temples, felt her  _want, desire_...and the  _defiance_  he could not understand, but that made him  _want_.

He pushed into her with a slow shallow thrust, feeling the initial sting she felt as the scar tissue stretched with the new shape within her -- but pleasure as well. Release from thought.

As her ankles wrapped around his back he let go of his higher thoughts too. He concentrated on being slow, gentle, going deeper. As he buried himself in her he let her feel his desire through his thrusts and through his finger tips.

After time indeterminable, marked only by their ragged breaths, Nyota came around him, wet, alive, wonderful and moaning deliciously in his ear. He felt himself just on the edge, but unable to cross over. He could feel her pleasure begin to be overwhelmed by pain but before he could withdraw she whispered to him, "I know you need to mark me. Do it. Bite."

"I cannot. You are not mine..." This was fleeting pleasure only...they weren't bonded.

Her voice was soft, urgent. "I will always be part of your family, Sarek."

He ignited. She felt it, cried out, wrapped her legs around him more tightly and pulled him in. His head dipped forward on its own accord, and sinking his mouth into the soft skin of her neck he dug in with his teeth and pushed hard with his hips. Vision blackening he spilled into her -- something like love crossed from her through his fingers as he did.

x x x

"You don't kiss...not really..." Nyota said, her finger tips on his. He felt slight  _confusion_  and  _surprise_  through his fingertips, but no disappointment.

His body was hot. Hers cool. Their legs intertwined.

"I have it on good authority my kisses are as wooden as a totem pole's," Sarek said studying the outline of her cheekbones as she gazed on him, the contrast of their skin tones. Her eyes, alive, like Amanda's. He had gotten used to human eyes.

"Mmmmm..." she said sleepily.

Had Spock been able to kiss? It was something Sarek had never been able to master. In an oddly detached way he thought of how skillfully she grabbed his ears in the heat of passion, how she knew what held him back. She'd had experience with a Vulcan. With his son.

Vulcans were territorial creatures. Much more so than humans. Once he had begun pursuing Amanda he had become uncomfortable with the effort of suppressing his emotions any time she so much as mentioned a potential suitor she'd had coffee with.

He found he did not feel this way this time. He only felt sadness at having missed so much of Spock's life.

He wanted to reclaim some of that missing life back.

"If you permit," Sarek said softly, "I would meld with you."

It was an incredibly intimate thing to ask for. But...they had been through a lot together...and now that they lay naked together, bodies slightly damp from perspiration it didn't feel too out of line to ask.

Her eyes opened. Through his fingers he felt  _hesitation_.

She swallowed. "There is still a lot of Spock floating around in there." Averting her eyes she said, "I never got proficient at shielding my thoughts."

"I would only explore those thoughts and memories you wished to share." He brought their joined hands to press against her cheek. "But I find I am not...disturbed by thoughts of you and Spock." He closed his eyes. "I would know my son through you."

He heard her take a long slow breath. He felt  _comprehension_ and  _sadness_ through their linked hands.

Opening his eyes he said, "And of course, you are welcome to explore any of my thoughts and memories..."

Slipping her hand from beneath his and giving him access to her psi points she she whispered, "Yes."

x x x

He saw Nyota. He suddenly understood the defiance...for Nyota their coupling had been an act of desire, affection and a rebellion against death itself.  
 _  
Illogical I know, Sarek._

_Human. I do not regret our rebellion, Nyota._  Wasn't that what he was doing now? Trying to reclaim a lost life?

He felt her gratitude. For being with her through her pregnancy. For his warm body near hers. For being here now.

He felt how lost she was -- Spock gone, the life she envisioned vanished...

And felt her not wanting to think about these things.  _You came to my mind to see Spock, Sarek._

She let him see Spock through her eyes. Handsome, blindingly intelligent, honest and fair...but more than these things Spock made her feel loved. Even though he never said he loved her.

Sarek saw Amanda too. He saw Nyota chatting with his wife over subspace as Spock cooked in the background. The two women laughing together as Spock alternately ignored them and jumped in to point out how highly illogical they were being.

And Sarek saw himself, from memories of Nyota had acquired when Spock bonded to her. Spock's disappointment and frustration at being unable to live up to what he believed Sarek's expectations to be. That disappointment and frustration that turned to anger and bitterness.

He remembered Nyota's first real words to him on arrival. "We were not irresponsible..."

How had Nyota even deigned to be near him?

She heard the question in his mind.  _Amanda told me that Spock did not understand..._

Amanda always understood. In ways her death hurt less...  
 _  
It is always harder to lose a child...I've heard that...I believe that now that I have my own..._ Nyota whispered in his mind.

But it wasn't just that. Amanda had died knowing he loved her...Spock...

Sarek pulled out of the meld gasping. He could not look at Nyota...When he told Spock he loved Amanda, had Spock understood he loved him too?

"Sarek," Nyota whispered, pulling his hand back to her face. "I think there is one more thing you should see."

And suddenly he was in her mind again...in a memory. Everything looked too large...and Sarek realized it was a memory from Spock's childhood...in Spock's small child hands was a chocolate Easter bunny. He was at his human grandparents' house on Earth. It was a simple innocent thing...Spock took a bite...

Spock was spinning, or the room was spinning. He was jumping up and down on the living room couch...there was a creaking sound...he fell to the ground. Dimly he was aware of shattered lamps, a broken chair in the background...

Sarek remembered the incident. Five year old Spock had completely demolished his grandparents' living room...

_Stay with me Sarek,_ Nyota's mind whispered to him...

Spock's next memory was of his stomach beginning to convulse as he lay on the floor, he was suddenly too weak to even roll over...  
 __  
I remember, Nyota...We told them not to give him chocolate, but they did not listen and did not understand.  
  
Sarek's own stomach started to drop at the memory.

_You do not remember this, Sarek..._

Spock woke up in a strange room. It was too cold. Too white. The bed was narrow with bars, he had a needles in his arm. Machines whirred above his head. His mother crying, and there was his father...

Sarek saw himself through Spock's eyes. Cold and distant. And he felt Spock's shame...

Spock saw his mother and father and remembered the broken furniture. He had been illogical...violent...His mother was crying, at his misbehavior no doubt...  
 _  
It was not because he had misbehaved, Nyota, he could not have known what the chocolate would do to him..._

_Shhhh...I know...Sarek...watch the memory..._

Amanda put her hands on Spock's face; she was weeping. Spock felt too overwhelmed by his own humiliation to read her thoughts. And then Sarek approached. Perfect. Face a mask. Spock steeled himself ready for his father's reprimand...

Instead Sarek reached out with his large fingers and touched Spock's own. Spock felt his father's relief burn through him as though he'd been hit by a lightening bolt...More effecting than even his mother's tears...obliterating all his shame and humiliation. It almost hurt...

_They almost killed him, Nyota...my beautiful boy..._

Gently pulling his hand away from her face, Nyota bent forward and put a soft kiss on his forehead. "Beautiful like his father," she whispered.

**Author's Note:**

> **To support my fanfiction habit and keep my husband from nagging me, I write original fiction.**
> 
>  
> 
> For a happier, sci-fi first contact story, check out my story [Murphy's Star.](http://murphysstar.tumblr.com/post/34481173086/murphys-star-free-excerpt)
> 
> If you like myth!Loki, you may like my original series, "I Bring the Fire". A free excerpt of the first story, [Wolves](http://ibringthefireodin.tumblr.com/post/27868080954/fic-i-bring-the-fire-post-1), is available [online here](http://ibringthefireodin.tumblr.com/post/27868080954/fic-i-bring-the-fire-post-1).
> 
> [Monsters](http://ibringthefireodin.tumblr.com/post/37240026042/i-bring-the-fire-part-ii-monsters) the second installment of "I Bring the Fire" is now available. Read a [free excerpt here](http://ibringthefireodin.tumblr.com/post/37240026042/i-bring-the-fire-part-ii-monsters).


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